Подборка анекдотов

GRAND_LAW

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- Представь себе мир наоборот. . .

- Это как? ! !

- Ну, например, все дышат углекислым газом, а выдыхают кислород, рыбы летают,
а собаки плавают, днем спят, а ночью работают. . .

- Ага, а на заборе х**м написано слово "МЕЛ". . .

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Возвращается женщина после работы домой.

Уставшая, сумки с продуктами тяжеленные!

Заходит в подъезд, в лифт, а следом мужчина забегает.

Снимает брюки и орет: "Ну, че вылупилась? Насиловать буду! ! "

Женщина смотрит на мужика и с грустью в голосе говорит: "Е. . . твою мать, яйца
купить забыла. . . "

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Соревнования по боям без правил последний бой. Остались только американец и русский.
Тренер говорит русскому: "у американца смертельный захват если попадешь в него,
то сразу сдавайся! " И вот бой начался и американец сразу хватает нашего в свои
захват, тренер разворачивается и уходит, но через минуту слышит гимн РОССИИ он
подбегает к своему бойцу: "ты как из захвата вышел? " боец: "хватает он меня
смотрю тут рука тут рука тут рука тут яйца и думаю чем черт не шутит ну и укусил!
Ты не представляешь на что способен человек, укусивший себя за яйца!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Вы слышали, говорят, что те, кто активно занимается сексом, живут намного
дольше. . .

- А шо я вам говорила! Эта старая проститутка Циля еще нас с вами переживет!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Семья новоселов осматривает новую квартиру.
Обсуждают - куда какую мебель ставить.
Вдруг ребенок пяти лет грит:

- А здесь мы полку заебеним.

Папаша как шмякнет ему по репе:

- Понял?!

- Да, понял!

- Что ты понял?

- Она здеся на х%й не нужна.

----------------------------------------------------------

Шеф фирмы говорит помощнику:

- Вызови мою машину.

Помощник секретарю:

- Вызови Мерседес шефу.

Секретарь диспетчеру:

- Карету к поъезду.

Диспетчер водителю:

- Телегу нашей обезьяне.

------------------------------------------------------

В городок приехал богатый турист.

Оставив в залог $100 хозяину гостиницы, он поднялся посмотреть комнаты отеля.
. .

Хозяин гостиницы, не медля ни минуты, берёт купюру и бежит с ней к мяснику отдать
долг.

Мясник, с купюрой в руках, бежит к фермеру и отдаёт ему долг за говядину.

Фермер отдает долг владельцу автомастерской.

Владелец мастерской направляется в местный магазин и отдаёт долг за продукты.

Хозяин магазина бегом к местной девочке по сопровождению, которая из-за кризиса
"обслуживала" его в долг. . . Девочка сразу бежит к хозяину гостиницы и отдаёт
ему долг за комнаты, которые она снимала для клиентов.

В этот момент обратно спускается турист и говорит, что не нашёл подходящей комнаты,
забирает залог и уезжает. . .

Никто ничего не получил - но весь городок теперь живёт без долгов и с оптимизмом
смотрит в будущее. . .

--------------------------------------------------------

Густой, дремучий лес. Узкая дорога. Едет на своей кляче Д'артаньян. На встречу
ему Илья Муромец на коне.

Д'артаньян:

- Месье, я -- подданный великой Франции, Вы обязаны меня пропустить!

Илья Муромец:

- Уйди, дурак.

Д'артаньян:

- Господин, я -- великий мушкетер, Вы обязаны уступить мне дорогу.

Илья Муромец:

- Уйди, дурак, я тороплюсь!

Д'артаньян:

- Месье, если вы не уступите мне дорогу, я буду вынужден вызвать Вас на дуэль
и убить Вас!

Они уходят за кусты. Через 5 минут выходит из-за кустов Илья Муромец, вытирает
меч и говорит: ХУЛИГАНЬЕ, ЧУТЬ ГЛАЗА ПРОВОЛКОЙ НЕ ВЫКОЛОЛ...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Студент копает землю. Другой спрашивает:
- Что делаешь?
- Понимаешь, дали задание: найти квадратный корень. Третий день копаю, но только все круглые попадаются.
- Это что. Иванову дали задание член на многочлен разложить. Он сидит, ножик точит, а у самого слезы текут.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Заблудились в лесу блондинка, брюнетка и рыжая. Заходят в какую-то избушку, а там ведьма зелье варит и говорит девушкам:
- Тот, кто сейчас скажет неправду - исчезнет!
Брюнетка:
- Я думаю, что я красивая. - И исчезла.
Рыжая:
- Я думаю, что я умная. - Исчезает.
Блондинка:
- Я думаю. . . - исчезла

----------------------------------------------

Готовится к запуску новая американская баллистическая ракета. На дереве у стартовой площадки сидят две вороны.
- Взлетит! -говорит одна.
- Не взлетит! -говорит другая.
Происходит запуск, и ракета взрывается.
- Это ты накаркала!
- Служу Советскому Союзу!

-------------------------------------------

Сидит муж в Интернете. Вдруг слышит приглушенный голос жены:
- Нет, нет, милый, сегодня не могу, давай встретимся завтра.
Тут же вбегает в комнату жены:
- Ты по телефону говорила? !
- Нет. Я читаю женский журнал, статья интересная, в ней 50 фраз которые надо громко прочитать вслух, типа: "дорогой, выкинь пожалуйста мусор",
"когда ты наконец прибьешь гардину? ". . .
И здесь же говорится, что занятый своим делом муж услышит лишь сказанную полушепотом пятьдесят первую.
И гляди-ка, не врут. . .

суХОЙ

Дата: Пт, 2009-09-04, 7:22:48 | Сообщение # 2

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Возвращается женщина после работы домой.

Уставшая, сумки с продуктами тяжеленные!

Заходит в подъезд, в лифт, а следом мужчина забегает.

Снимает брюки и орет: "Ну, че вылупилась? Насиловать буду! ! "

Женщина смотрит на мужика и с грустью в голосе говорит: "Е. . . твою мать, яйца
купить забыла. . . " biggrin biggrin

BuffordPi

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